This is not a product of over thinking or fascination or paranoia for that matter. This is a sort of merchandise that I have been trying to avoid to consume for quite some time at this instant but I just cannot seem to evade from it.
A dark temptation it is. Tempting to the point that it drives and convinces me to behave like a huge fan of egocentrism. Crushing emotions mixed with overwhelming feelings plus impeccable level of sugariness with a twist of nil single word is equal to nothing but lucid elusiveness. This kind of sensation is breaking me down gently and is touching the very bottom of the seats of my emotions, thus, making me feel extreme warmth and suddenly severe coldness.
It is not that I do not like this sensation. I like it in fact. Then again, I do not want to be egotistical when it comes to this situation. Not because I am enjoying the feeling, I will let it flow or will continue doing so. Let me be clear on this. I am not selfish. Rather selfless. Self-proclaimed selfless. I know me. But do not make mistake of thinking about me being a piece of boaster or bragger. Well, many say that I should let the circumstances go the way it should be. Majority tells me that it is better if I will go with the flow. Yes, there is nothing wrong with it. Really. The thing is, there is this something, which I do not know and I cannot figure how to term, that hinders me from the thought of “enjoying” the situation. Which leads me to my questions: Is it me? Is it the situation? Is it the way I deal with it? Is it the other person? Or is it the two of us?
The answer is: I do not know.
You, what do you think?
Anyhow…
A lot of fellas say that I am being harsh to myself for being selfless. No, I am not. Not at all. Let us just leave it there. I am not harsh to myself. Period.
Going back…
I remember one of my friends telling me that I might make gaffe of deepening my analysis too much. I realized, maybe my friend was correct. At some point and certain level, maybe he was correct. But how can it be so wrong if it feels so right? And how can my analysis become erroneous if events dictate the other way?
Up until now those questions remain questions and seem to be forever questions. Such state makes me feel like I am torn. It plagues me down very gently and the scars are simply cutting. The dilemma of thinking plus trying to figure out what is transpiring really has become the major illness that I am battling with up to date. It is not easy. Never easy. I never did imagine that this situation will become a whole lot of a predicament to me.
I even came to a point wherein I uttered, “Game over.” With emphasis on period (.). However, for Holy’s sake, every time I say it, the next thing I knew is that I find myself catching up my breath, holding up my feelings, covering up my face, trying to find peace under a pillow, and… wiping my tears. Then is the time that how I wish I was not born on the month that carries a Cancer sign. Crab (http://www.astrology-online.com/cancer.htm). Silly? Nah. Just read and you’ll know what I mean.
Tears are comforting (credits to a friend). So are dire words. I tried to restrain myself from casting such. But comprehension embraced me and said that at some point those words are melodious enough and can bring out, not the worst, but the best in me.
Tears.
Dire words.
They are my friends. Especially the former. I feel endless kisses when my tears fall unconsciously, usually. If only tears can yell, then maybe all of my sorrows are screamed out; if only tears can give advices, then maybe I got the best of them in town; if only tears can literally hug, then maybe I won’t feel empty alone; if only tears can wipe themselves, then maybe I won’t panic every time they fall; if only tears can speak for me, this time I am sure, they can tell you a handful of stories. They know a lot about me.
My tears are better storytellers than I am.
I am Stargirl and I love Stars. I love the way they twinkle for their sparks give me a certain moment of time-cease that leads me to a particular solitary strata.
I love Stars.
I am Stargirl and I still have a lot of stories to tell.
Stop... (Stare at the sky)
Look... (Stars are smiling)
Listen... (My tears are speaking)
Eyes slowly blurring...
*Tears fall*
(UPSOUND What Hurts The Most - Boyce Avenue)