IMY

I miss you like…

How I lack for words to say it
How I find it hard to sleep
How I long to sense your touches
How I wish to feel your tender kisses
How I yearn for your hugs
How I lay on your shoulders
How your voice resounds as lullaby
How tears slowly fill my eyes
How my tears fall

I miss you like…

I miss you.


  (UPSOUND Officially Missing You - Tamia)

I, You

I spare you my guts for your hurt is hurting me

Your thoughts are hunting me and your feelings are killing me.

I offer you my ideas for yours are hollow

Yours are pretentious and yours are miserable.

I lend you my ears for your stories are teeming

Your mind is boggling and your mouth is cramming.

I held out my hands for yours were limped

Yours were infected and yours were scarred.

I opened my eyes for your tenets were novel

Your innocence was unraveled and your ignorance is nowhere.

I provided you the light for your path is dim

Your way is far and you are far too long.
I ain’t superwoman

You ain’t superman.

But I can twinkle near you

For I am Stargirl.

If I Were To Write About Life

This topic actually knocks me off my feet every time I am asked to write about such. Well, it is incontestable quite difficult to describe or define “life” in its very logical sense and in a very professional level. Though, it is possible. However, for someone like me who is fond of writing about something and relates it in a more personal stratum, I occasionally find myself trying hard to pen words and let my ideas stream if I were to describe “life” in a manner similar with the former.

So allow me to speak right from my heart. It has been said that life is a precious gift from God. It is, indeed. It is a one-of-a-kind precious gift that must be treasured and valued well. Every moment in each situation must be dealt with proper ease and less fret. No second must be wasted by simply dealing with thins fate might bring. Life is more of a simple “something.” There is more to it than the many definitions a dictionary can ever provide, or Google can ever show.

We, humans, are often preoccupied by the negativities that surround us. Thus, we tend to neglect the very essence of what life means. But if we only dig deep down our hearts, we will comprehend that we do not have to go through a lot of miseries for there are far way a lot of reasons to be thankful than to be miserable. It is inherent, however, for humans to experience troubles and worries. Such events remind us that life is what we make it. More so, life is how we make it. We are the soldiers of our own. We are the battlers of ourselves and of those whom we cared for. We are our own defenders.

Cliché as it may sound but life is nothing but a roller coaster ride. At some point we may experience difficulties. We may shed a river of tears. We may feel that we are left with nothing but ourselves. We might feel that the world has eclipsed on us. But we must always remember that we can always find a bright spot in darkness. We must bear in mind that every hardship is just a trial. Everything happens for a purpose. And most of the time, the purpose is for us to become stronger and more mature individuals; for us to be able to face the world with enough courage; and for us to be able to understand life, better.

The answer to “What is life?” query always depends on the person being asked. And as for me, life can be as tough as walking alone in the desert with nothing except your empty purse, but it can be as happy as a newly born who happened to breathed the world’s not-so-fresh air yet still thankful. Life is jam-packed of lurking delights waiting to be detected. Life is how we live.

Heartbreak Revisited

The last time I got broke I told myself I’m gonna be careful the next time I, you know, fall in love.

It has been a while since I recuperated from a lengthy self-rehabilitation and self-medication of my very heart. It is safe for me to say, I guess, that I have fully recovered all by myself. I mean, without using someone to patch the hole in me. A year, a month, and five days. I had enough. Really. The last time I checked, I felt that I am ready again to disclose my heart for new beginnings, new possibilities, new memories, with a new person.

Recently I thought that I have found the new one. Without me realizing that, oh, it was just a thought. I love a person whom I think does not love me the way I do. In other words, I THINK he is not really into loving me in a romantic level. In other words again, I THINK he is not in love with me.

Every day I always ask myself, why? Why him? Why such a heartbreak? Why again? Why?

I tried to find the answer. Up to this very moment that I am writing this piece, I am asking myself the abovementioned queries. Why him?

I tried to dig even at the very bottom of my mind only to find answers. Why such a heartbreak?

Why again?

Why?

With those several queries, I found only one answer. That is: I do not know. Then is the time I knew I am not successful.

It is hard. It is sad. It is demoralizing. It is disenchanting. It is heartbreaking.

It feels like heartbreak revisited.

It is, indeed.

The hurt is gradually giving me a cut that is absolutely hard to bear. I was caught off-guard. I was cut real fast. I never saw it coming. I was too busy seizing every event with him without me noticing that it was not for real. I was active imagining my future with him. I was too damn serious about us, when in fact he is far away from thinking the same. I was too preoccupied by the thought that we both belong to each other. But I THINK, we do not.

Hope is all I’ve got.

But I want to drop this hope in me. Because the more I hold on to this, the more painful it gets. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every clock’s tic…I am wounded. It is giving me the feeling that makes my heart skip a beat.

For now, I do not know where I am heading. I do not know where to situate myself. I do not know where this pain will bring me. I do not know what this means. I do not know what to think.

All I know is I am hurting.

Akala

Siya na

Hindi pala

Ano ba

Maling akala

Akala’y masaya

Akala’y tunay

Akala’y habambuhay

Akalang namatay

Naghingalo

O Diyos ko

Hindi na mapagtanto

Huminto…

Tumigil…

Umaasang lilipas.


(UPSOUND Hiling - Silent Sanctuary)

How Are You?

This is not a product of over thinking or fascination or paranoia for that matter. This is a sort of merchandise that I have been trying to avoid to consume for quite some time at this instant but I just cannot seem to evade from it.

A dark temptation it is. Tempting to the point that it drives and convinces me to behave like a huge fan of egocentrism. Crushing emotions mixed with overwhelming feelings plus impeccable level of sugariness with a twist of nil single word is equal to nothing but lucid elusiveness. This kind of sensation is breaking me down gently and is touching the very bottom of the seats of my emotions, thus, making me feel extreme warmth and suddenly severe coldness.

It is not that I do not like this sensation. I like it in fact. Then again, I do not want to be egotistical when it comes to this situation. Not because I am enjoying the feeling, I will let it flow or will continue doing so. Let me be clear on this. I am not selfish. Rather selfless. Self-proclaimed selfless. I know me. But do not make mistake of thinking about me being a piece of boaster or bragger. Well, many say that I should let the circumstances go the way it should be. Majority tells me that it is better if I will go with the flow. Yes, there is nothing wrong with it. Really. The thing is, there is this something, which I do not know and I cannot figure how to term, that hinders me from the thought of “enjoying” the situation. Which leads me to my questions: Is it me? Is it the situation? Is it the way I deal with it? Is it the other person? Or is it the two of us?

The answer is: I do not know.

You, what do you think?

Anyhow…

A lot of fellas say that I am being harsh to myself for being selfless. No, I am not. Not at all. Let us just leave it there. I am not harsh to myself. Period.

Going back…

I remember one of my friends telling me that I might make gaffe of deepening my analysis too much. I realized, maybe my friend was correct. At some point and certain level, maybe he was correct. But how can it be so wrong if it feels so right? And how can my analysis become erroneous if events dictate the other way?

Up until now those questions remain questions and seem to be forever questions. Such state makes me feel like I am torn. It plagues me down very gently and the scars are simply cutting. The dilemma of thinking plus trying to figure out what is transpiring really has become the major illness that I am battling with up to date. It is not easy. Never easy. I never did imagine that this situation will become a whole lot of a predicament to me.

I even came to a point wherein I uttered, “Game over.” With emphasis on period (.). However, for Holy’s sake, every time I say it, the next thing I knew is that I find myself catching up my breath, holding up my feelings, covering up my face, trying to find peace under  a pillow, and… wiping my tears. Then is the time that how I wish I was not born on the month that carries a Cancer sign. Crab (http://www.astrology-online.com/cancer.htm). Silly? Nah. Just read and you’ll know what I mean.

Tears are comforting (credits to a friend). So are dire words. I tried to restrain myself from casting such. But comprehension embraced me and said that at some point those words are melodious enough and can bring out, not the worst, but the best in me.

Tears.

Dire words.

They are my friends. Especially the former. I feel endless kisses when my tears fall unconsciously, usually. If only tears can yell, then maybe all of my sorrows are screamed out; if only tears can give advices, then maybe I got the best of them in town; if only tears can literally hug, then maybe I won’t feel empty alone; if only tears can wipe themselves, then maybe I won’t panic every time they fall; if only tears can speak for me, this time I am sure, they can tell you a handful of stories. They know a lot about me.

My tears are better storytellers than I am.

I am Stargirl and I love Stars. I love the way they twinkle for their sparks give me a certain moment of time-cease that leads me to a particular solitary strata.

I love Stars.

I am Stargirl and I still have a lot of stories to tell.

Stop... (Stare at the sky)

Look... (Stars are smiling)

Listen... (My tears are speaking)

Eyes slowly blurring...

*Tears fall*

(UPSOUND What Hurts The Most - Boyce Avenue)