Heartbreak Revisited

The last time I got broke I told myself I’m gonna be careful the next time I, you know, fall in love.

It has been a while since I recuperated from a lengthy self-rehabilitation and self-medication of my very heart. It is safe for me to say, I guess, that I have fully recovered all by myself. I mean, without using someone to patch the hole in me. A year, a month, and five days. I had enough. Really. The last time I checked, I felt that I am ready again to disclose my heart for new beginnings, new possibilities, new memories, with a new person.

Recently I thought that I have found the new one. Without me realizing that, oh, it was just a thought. I love a person whom I think does not love me the way I do. In other words, I THINK he is not really into loving me in a romantic level. In other words again, I THINK he is not in love with me.

Every day I always ask myself, why? Why him? Why such a heartbreak? Why again? Why?

I tried to find the answer. Up to this very moment that I am writing this piece, I am asking myself the abovementioned queries. Why him?

I tried to dig even at the very bottom of my mind only to find answers. Why such a heartbreak?

Why again?

Why?

With those several queries, I found only one answer. That is: I do not know. Then is the time I knew I am not successful.

It is hard. It is sad. It is demoralizing. It is disenchanting. It is heartbreaking.

It feels like heartbreak revisited.

It is, indeed.

The hurt is gradually giving me a cut that is absolutely hard to bear. I was caught off-guard. I was cut real fast. I never saw it coming. I was too busy seizing every event with him without me noticing that it was not for real. I was active imagining my future with him. I was too damn serious about us, when in fact he is far away from thinking the same. I was too preoccupied by the thought that we both belong to each other. But I THINK, we do not.

Hope is all I’ve got.

But I want to drop this hope in me. Because the more I hold on to this, the more painful it gets. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every clock’s tic…I am wounded. It is giving me the feeling that makes my heart skip a beat.

For now, I do not know where I am heading. I do not know where to situate myself. I do not know where this pain will bring me. I do not know what this means. I do not know what to think.

All I know is I am hurting.